You think so?  I feel like I’m the least bitter that I’ve ever been in my entire life.  A lot of bottoming-out over the last few years caused me to accept certain realities and make peace with them, whether they were my inadequacies or just mistakes I’d made.

Maybe I’m delusional, but Kat is always telling me that I laugh a lot more than I did when we first met.  I try to take things in stride, and I’ve found ways to channel my bouts with depression into positive things.  I don’t feel such pressure to “make it” and launch a career into super-stardom like I used to.  Oftentimes, I feel like I milked my depression because it was the easiest way to make art for me.  Honestly, that was a problem for a while here especially recently, because I don’t know how to make art that isn’t sad.

I’m caught in this emotive limbo and I have this desire to make people laugh.  That’s never been something I cared about in the past, as I just wanted to make them think.  I’m no preacher, though, and I don’t find entertainment in it outside of actually doing it myself.  I’ve been throwing around ideas in my head about possibly starting a comedy channel on YouTube, after I finish my records.  I’m not sure what I’d do, or where my voice in comedy would be specifically, but I know I love all the greats.  The things you make are directly attributed to the things you enjoy.  If you have shitty taste, then your product is going to be shit.  That’s just the way it is.  My point is this — I feel like I have a pretty good starting ground.  I have an urge to reinvent myself in the worst way.  It’s hard to feel bitter when you’re excited.

I don’t feel bitter these days.  It kind of concerns me if that’s how I’m still coming off to people.  I probably shouldn’t care, I guess.

The internet is unhealthy for me sometimes.

enormouscrawlspace:

Family friendly? MOTHERFUCKER AINT NOTHIN’ FAMILY ABOUT THIS SHIT. unless you’re speaking of the tumblr family, in which case we don’t need your help.

Seriously, how hard is it to go look at the Yahoo! twitter feed?  THESE POSTS LITERALLY DO NOT EXIST AND IT TOOK ME TWENTY SECONDS TO FIGURE IT OUT.  Seriously, it took you longer to find that .GIF than it would to just go look for yourself.  Stop spreading misinformation.

When It Rains…

The two of us have been waiting for a check for god knows how long.  We’re late on rent, late on utility bills, and have no extra cash to fill up the gas tank or eat dinner.  The absolute latest that the check could come, I thought, was today.  Sure enough, as is our luck always, it didn’t.  We sit here twiddling our thumbs and it feels so fucking disgusting that money takes such precedence the moment you don’t have any.  It makes me feel absolutely shallow, these unbearably frantic spurts to the door every time I  think I hear feet on the porch steps.  My new routine has been to wake up early and watch for the mailman, and I’m increasingly becoming a vicious dog in the wake of him driving by.  I want to chase that car down and chew its fucking tires off.  It’s seriously such a drain to be responsible, to earn money, and still fall behind on all of our responsibilities.  

The worst part is seeing how miserable it makes Kat.  All I want to do is hug her and reassure that everything is going to be okay, and honestly, I know it will be.  I’m used to being poor.  This shit is nothing new for me, and it’s something I’ve been doing my entire life.  Even as a kid, there’d be a point every month where some utility would get disconnected.  Whether it was the water, or the internet, or the electricity (that was the worst), it became a very common theme throughout my life.  My family struggled, but we always got through it and enjoyed life anyway.  

I try to keep it in mind that Kat never really had to deal with that.  Her parents were fiscally responsible people and she never had to stress about these things growing up.  I try to see her perspective, why this is ultra-depressing for her, and it just makes me sad, man.  It makes me really fucking sad.  I can deal with this, I can make it through the bullshit.  because I’m used to it.  She’s not.  And that sucks.

So, what have we been doing?  Quite literally, we have been sitting around and waiting.  That’s it.  The last few days have proved a chaotic mess for the tornado belt, and storms have been ravaging the landscape like an angry drunk.  It’s been a nice distraction, and the tornado sirens yesterday even took my mind away from dollar signs completely.  The devastation that unfolded in Moore, Oklahoma had me sick to my stomach, and it really made me feel like my problems weren’t that heavy.  The gravity is there, for sure, but at least I still have my house, you know?  At least I didn’t lost any loved ones in some chaotic storm.  My heart goes out to the people in Oklahoma.  It’s a sad situation.

If you’d like to help us out, you can do so by purchasing any of my music on my Bandcamp profile here:

http://iamwren.bandcamp.com/

The newest release is a complete collection of all my Wren stuff (at $20.00), but you can buy them individually for $5.00.  Thanks ,and I hope the check gets here tomorrow.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Rainbow after a storm today.

VIDEOTAPE - I Don’t Ever Want To Grow Up

If you have a second, please check out my new release, “FULL CIRCLE”:
http://www.iamwren.bandcamp.com/releases

Music by mum

Mind Mischief

Kat surprised me with a nice Tumblr post today, so I surprised her with a flower.

Vacant