You think so? I feel like I’m the least bitter that I’ve ever been in my entire life. A lot of bottoming-out over the last few years caused me to accept certain realities and make peace with them, whether they were my inadequacies or just mistakes I’d made.
Maybe I’m delusional, but Kat is always telling me that I laugh a lot more than I did when we first met. I try to take things in stride, and I’ve found ways to channel my bouts with depression into positive things. I don’t feel such pressure to “make it” and launch a career into super-stardom like I used to. Oftentimes, I feel like I milked my depression because it was the easiest way to make art for me. Honestly, that was a problem for a while here especially recently, because I don’t know how to make art that isn’t sad.
I’m caught in this emotive limbo and I have this desire to make people laugh. That’s never been something I cared about in the past, as I just wanted to make them think. I’m no preacher, though, and I don’t find entertainment in it outside of actually doing it myself. I’ve been throwing around ideas in my head about possibly starting a comedy channel on YouTube, after I finish my records. I’m not sure what I’d do, or where my voice in comedy would be specifically, but I know I love all the greats. The things you make are directly attributed to the things you enjoy. If you have shitty taste, then your product is going to be shit. That’s just the way it is. My point is this — I feel like I have a pretty good starting ground. I have an urge to reinvent myself in the worst way. It’s hard to feel bitter when you’re excited.
I don’t feel bitter these days. It kind of concerns me if that’s how I’m still coming off to people. I probably shouldn’t care, I guess.
The internet is unhealthy for me sometimes.